Another Piece | Dead Inside (The Bubble)

 

The final year in junior high school, about two or one month before graduation. Anxiety attacks me. I didn't know that reading articles could cause this bad thing. At that time I planned to tell my friends about this, but in the end, I couldn't tell this to anyone.

For the first time I felt this fear was before graduation. At that time I experienced what is said in the article. And I started overthinking because of that. It really scared me. I cried all day, couldn't sleep until I woke up every few hours, also in cold sweat. It was the worst time at that time, I did not know what would happen, I could not think rationally, and I really believed in the article. There is a certain time that I know if I'm past that time, it means I'll be fine. And yes, after that time passed, I calmed down again.

And the other worst time at that time was after graduating from junior high school until before entering high school. I have nothing to do and no one else around me. At certain times, I'm always anxious. I became afraid of everything that I knew could cause my phobia. And one of the triggers is 'change'. When I realized there was something in my character or my mind that was changing naturally, I was scared. Because of that, every time I feel that my character has changed, I always return myself to the original self, so that I am not afraid.

The first year in high school everything got better again, the phobia slowly disappeared and never appeared again. I just focused on my school life at that time. But after that, in the second year of high school I started to feel other things, I became a heavy thinker, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and sometimes I pretend. In the third year, the phobia came again. That day comes again. Days where I am scared on certain days, unlike the first time, the second and third time I can control myself more, even though there is still a sense of worry.

At that time the words 'see you tomorrow' that other people say to me become a shield to protect me. When they said that word, I knew that I would be fine.

All these problems without me realizing it put me in a bubble filled with more bad thoughts, others might call it dead inside. But the word is too difficult for me. Because I don't know how to revive myself who died inside. So I want to call it a bubble. A bubble that I can easily burst with a needle. But unfortunately, the needle is difficult to reach, and it takes time until we can reach the needle easily.

I always write about living your life, letting your life flow, not to predict your life, and others. But the truth is, I can't do that either. They just become a sentence with temporary power that doesn't even last until tomorrow.

About last month I dared myself to read another article, but it has the same cause of my phobia. Typing the title made me have to pause for a moment for each word, my body refusing to retrace it. But I'm too tired of this completely absurd fear. After finishing typing and pressing the search button, I freeze and try to calm my heart. I clicked on an article, trying to scroll it. My body refused again, she cried, afraid that what she did now would worsen her phobia. I have, you can think, an illusion person, but for me they are not. And at that time he said 'It's okay. There is me. You believe me, right?'. I kept crying and said that I didn't want to read this article. But he forced me and said that it was okay because this article could show that my thoughts had been wrong. I slowly read the article till the end.

I am fine.

My strongest trigger wasn't right, I won. It is  relief. But that doesn't mean I've been 100% free of this phobia. Not. Until now, when I heard people talking about the things that I was afraid of or things related to them, I was still scared, I didn't want to hear about it.

It's a long journey, of course, but I'll make sure to grab that needle and stick it into the bubble that locks me in. So the bubble will burst, and one day I will be free from whatever it is. And I will just carry myself every step in my life without those bubbles.